Courtship: A Biblical Woman’s Guide + 2 Freebies

Echoes of Truth

March 24th, 2026
Theme: Reclaiming Biblical Womanhood

 

‘Godly courtship is not a time to plan a wedding or relax sexual purity but a season to observe fruit, for ‘by their fruit, ye shall know them’. A biblical woman knows that what appears now is the seed of marriage. A seed of corruption will grow, tiny cracks will widen, nothing stays small. She therefore will not silence her conscience or ignore God’s warnings; she guards her purity, honors truth, and judges by what will be harvested, not by what she hopes to plant.’

– The BUD Family Africa

 

A Misplaced Focus in Courtship

From my experience with a number of ladies, and even from what we see around us, in movies also, once a sister receives a proposal, the next thing that often happens is not prayer, not watching, not careful discernment. It is a phone call:

 

“Ore mi, we have a wedding to plan!”

 

And immediately, the plan starts. Color combinations. Guest lists. Who will attend, who will not. Wedding gowns, halls, decorations. The entire energy of that season begins to revolve around an event that has not yet been justified.

 

And so the whole period that should have been used for courtship, six months, twelve months, becomes consumed with planning a wedding.

 

But is that what courtship is for? No.

 

This is often a sister who has prayed for years, asking God for direction, asking God to bring her husband, asking to be led rightly. And now that a man has come, instead of slowing down to watch, to pray, to discern, to truly see, she becomes occupied with things that do not matter. Things that cannot sustain a marriage. Things that have nothing to do with the life she is about to enter.

 

Because she is not spiritually watchful, she begins to drift. She assumes that because a proposal has come, the journey is settled. And without realizing it, she enters a cycle she never intended. Lines she once held firmly begin to blur. Things she would never have imagined herself doing, she now finds herself excusing. Immorality she once stood against, she now begins to entertain.

 

Why? Because her focus shifted.

 

She became consumed with what is external, and neglected what is eternal. She stopped observing the fruits. She ignored the red flags. She silenced her discernment. And in that space of distraction, compromise found its way in.

 

The Danger of Untrained Hearing Before and In Courtship

When it comes to being led in marriage, one must be extremely careful.

 

Many sisters are convinced that God has spoken, that God has led them, yet the reality tells a different story. The brother never even comes to propose. Sometimes he goes on to marry someone else, even builds a home and moves on with his life, while the sister is left confused, asking, “God, what happened? I thought I heard You.”

 

It is not always that God spoke. Many times, there was no clear hearing in the first place.

 

Some have not cultivated a true relationship with God before this matter of marriage arises. They have not learned to hear Him, to discern His leading, to test impressions by the Word. Yet suddenly, when emotions are involved, they become certain.

 

In some cases, the brother is not even godly, not even aware, not even interested.

 

In other cases, circumstances are arranged, pressure is applied, and eventually the brother comes. And then it begins to feel like confirmation. It begins to look like, “Could this really be God?”

 

Some are certain they heard God and it really could have been God.

 

But how do they confirm the Presence of God in this union?

 

How is this leading tested? 

 

This is where courtship comes in!

 

Even when you believe you have heard God, courtship is meant to test it, to press it, to prove it.

 

It is not a season for wedding plans, not a season for romance, not a time to drift into boyfriend and girlfriend patterns, filled with emotional indulgence, physical closeness, and careless familiarity.

 

It is not for trips, matching outfits, endless conversations that carry no weight, or giving yourselves over to things that stir the flesh.

 

Courtship is where that supposed leading must stand the test!

 

It is where truth must be revealed.

 

It is where you watch, you pray, you observe, and you discern whether this is truly the will of God.

 

You can never be tooooooo sure when it comes to the HEAD of your life, my sister! You need to be sure and overly sure who you want to hand yourself over to. 

 

But how will you know, if the whole time is spent in distractions? Eating, chatting, quarrelling, settling small disputes, sending pictures, stirring desires, and slowly entering into compromises you once resisted even as a single woman?

 

Courtship was meant to bring clarity, but if it is filled with noise, indulgence, and carelessness, then what should reveal truth will only bring in deep confusion.

 

What Is Courtship?

Courtship is a sober, intentional, and spiritually governed period of discernment between a man and a woman who are considering marriage.

 

It is not a relationship for emotional pleasure, and it is not an early stage of marriage. It is a proving ground.

 

A place where what has been perceived as God’s leading is tested, observed, and confirmed in the light of the Word.

 

The Scriptures say, “By their fruit you shall know them.” Courtship is where the fruit is patiently and honestly observed. Not imagined, not assumed, not excused, but seen as they truly are over time.

 

Courtship should be marked by watchfulness. It is not careless. It is not driven by excitement. It is not rushed.

 

There is prayer, there is restraint, there is clarity of purpose.

 

Both individuals remain anchored in God, not carried away by each other.

 

Affection is kept in its place so that discernment is not clouded.

 

A simple way to understand it is this: courtship is not about enjoying a person, it is about discerning a life.

 

It is not about how you feel, it is about what is true!

 

And what is true now is what will only become stronger in marriage.

 

Common Courtship Errors in This Generation

One of the biggest problems in this generation is that we have lost our sense of priority. What should matter most is often ignored, and what should be secondary is what people build everything around.

 

Courtship, which should be a quiet, careful, and spiritual season, has been turned into something loud, rushed, and superficial.

 

Before anything had been proven, sisters have already started getting thing prepared.

 

But hey, marriage is not sustained by a wedding. And if the foundation is not right, no amount of planning can fix it.

 

There is also a lot of emotional rushing. Instead of slowing down to observe and pray, people become quickly attached ythese days. They talk all the time, share everything, grow close too fast, and before long, it becomes difficult to think clearly. At that point, even when something is wrong, it is harder to step back because the heart is already involved.

 

Another thing that happens often is that people see things early, but they ignore them. Small lies, anger, inconsistency, lack of seriousness with God. These things are not hidden. They are there. But they are explained away. Covered. Excused. And later, in marriage, they gro big and wild.

 

Also, there is now a trend of distant courtship. People meet online, begin to talk, and before long, they say they are in courtship. And the courtship is also online. The lady is in Ajegunle Nigeria, the man is in Germany. A few weeks to wedding, they meet physically for the first time. Oh my! 

 

Sometimes they say, “Oh, we have known ourselves for years,” maybe from childhood, maybe from somewhere in the past. But knowing someone from a distance or from years ago is not the same as truly knowing who they are now.

 

You cannot build something this serious on calls and messages alone. You have not seen how the person lives. You have not seen how they respond in real situations. You have not observed their patterns closely. Everything is based on words. And words can be arranged!!!

 

Even when families are introduced and everything looks structured, if the knowing is shallow, the risk is still there. Courtship is not meant to be done in theory. It is meant to be lived, observed, and tested in reality.

 

There is also the issue of purity being taken lightly. Things that should never be entertained are now creeping into ‘Christian’ courtships. Conversations become suggestive. Boundaries become loose.

 

Many relationships also lack depth. Important things are not discussed. Life, convictions, spiritual direction, these are left untouched. Instead, time is spent on things that do not reveal anything meaningful. And so, people enter marriage without truly knowing each other.

 

Some are also driven by pressure. Time is going. Others are getting married. Family is asking questions. And instead of waiting on God and standing in truth, they rush into decisions just to settle.

 

At the center of it all, God is often not truly involved. Prayer is shallow or inconsistent. The Word is not the standard. The Holy Spirit is not actively followed. Yet decisions are being made that will shape a lifetime.

 

Courtship is too serious to be handled casually. If it is not done rightly, the consequences do not end there. They carry into marriage. And by then, what could have been avoided must now be full-fledged.

 

 

Red Flags in Courtship

As you have see so far, courtship is not a time to assume, hope, or imagine. It is a time to see. The Scriptures say, “By their fruits you shall know them,” and that means you must pay attention to what is actually being produced, not what is being promised, not what is being said, but what is consistently being produced.

 

Here are the red flags that many see but ignore, the very things that later grow and become burdens in marriage. Smoke does not hide forever. What is present in seed form during courtship will grow and become more visible in marriage. Nothing remains small.

• Spiritual inconsistency – He speaks well, sounds grounded, but his life does not reflect what he says. No steady fruit.
• No personal walk with God – No real prayer life, no hunger for the Word, no evidence of depth with God.
• You must push him spiritually – You are the one reminding, encouraging, dragging. Leadership is missing.
• Dishonesty in small things – Little lies, exaggerations, twisting stories. Truth is not firm in him.
• Anger and lack of self-control – Easily provoked, reacts harshly over small matters, no restraint.
• Sexual pressure – Pushing boundaries, making indecent requests, not protecting purity.
• Lack of conviction about sin – Excuses wrong, jokes about sin, does not genuinely repent.
• Secretive behavior – Hides things, avoids openness, resists accountability.
• Pride and resistance to correction – Cannot be corrected, always defending himself.
• Double life – One person in church, another in private.
• Worldliness – Driven by money, status, and outward appearance.
• Flirtatious or unstable with women – No history of discipline, lacks seriousness.
• No clear direction in life – No purpose, no responsibility, no vision.
• Rushing commitment – Avoids being tested, pushes things forward too quickly.
• Does not listen to or understand you – Dismisses your thoughts, ignores your concerns, not attentive.
• Lack of maturity in manhood – No sense of responsibility, cannot lead, behaves carelessly.
• Not humble – Always right in his own eyes, unwilling to bend or learn.
• Keeps malice or resentment – Holds grudges, withdraws, punishes with silence.
• Cannot handle misunderstandings – Escalates issues, avoids resolution, creates tension.
• Name-calling and disrespect – Speaks harshly, insults, uses degrading words.
• Frequent unnecessary anger – Constant irritation, emotional instability.
• You losing your convictions – You find yourself adjusting, compromising, or going against what you know is right just to keep the relationship.

Courtship is where these things are seen clearly. What you tolerate now will only grow stronger later. Beware, sis! 

 

Conversations That Matter in Courtship

Conversations matter. What you talk about in courtship will either open your eyes or keep you blind. If you have no plan, you will drift, and when people drift, they make costly mistakes.

 

Courtship is not a time to pass time. It is a time to be intentional.

 

You must take responsibility before God. Sit down, be deliberate, and go deep. Get your notebooks, both of you, and commit to serious, structured conversations. Open your hearts. Speak. Listen. Observe.

 

And as he speaks, do not just hear words. Listen with discernment. Ask the Holy Spirit to open your ears. You must be able to pick things, to notice truth, to notice inconsistency, to see depth or the lack of it. You are not there to be carried away. You are there to know.

 

I created a six-month courtship discussion plan some years ago, and I am including it here for you. You can download it and use it as a guide for your conversations. It will help you both to stay focused, to go deep, and to cover areas that truly matter.

 

My sister, courtship is not marriage. He is not yet your husband. Even if people are already calling you “wife,” you are not. You still have the full right to walk away if truth demands it. Do not bind yourself where God has not confirmed.

 

Open your eyes wide. Be certain that this is God. Because when it is truly God, there will be clarity. There will be purity. There will be a genuine love that is clean. There will be peace that endures.

 

Take this season seriously. It is too important to handle casually.

 

Do Not Be Afraid to Walk Away

If, during the period of your discussions, serious differences begin to show up, then you must not act as though those things are small.

 

If he believes in infant baptism, while you are convinced that baptism is for a believer who has consciously come to faith and should be immersed, that is not a tiny issue.

 

That is not the kind of thing to sweep aside.

 

Those are the kinds of matters that should make you stop and think deeply.

 

These are the things that should break a relationship, not childish matters like what gift was bought on Valentine’s Day, whether he forgot some date, or other passing things that have no weight in eternity.

 

Deep matters matter. Consecrated matters matter. Foundational beliefs matter.

 

If someone does not believe that Jesus Christ is God, what exactly are you doing there?

 

If someone has confused views about salvation, holiness, purity, marriage, children, submission to Scripture, or the authority of the Word of God, why are you acting as if these are side matters?

 

They are not side matters. They are central.

 

Some may deny the deity of Christ. Some may say all religions lead to God. Some may reject the new birth. Some may believe a person can live in sin and still be fine before God. Some may mock holiness. Some may reject biblical headship and biblical womanhood.

 

Some may say children are a burden and are not open to them at all. Some may speak lightly about divorce, purity, fornication, or modesty. Some may not even believe that the Bible is final.

 

These are not things to laugh over. These are not things to postpone until after marriage. These are the things that reveal whether you are even walking in the same faith at all.

 

So while you are discussing, if it becomes clear that there are major disagreements, major misunderstandings, and major fractures in things that touch heaven, truth, eternity, purity, marriage, children, biblical womanhood, and life itself, then you should be able to know when to walk away.

 

Your eyes must remain wide open in courtship. Do not think that because you have entered courtship, you have arrived. No.

 

You should still be praying. You should still be crying to God, “Father, please speak to me. I am not here for myself. Have mercy on me. Do not let me be blinded. Lead me, Lord. Give me more confirmations. Are you in this, my Lord?” You must not let emotions shut your eyes.

 

If, after the months of discussion, you can truly see that this is your husband from God, if you have talked deeply and honestly, if the foundations are sound, if what matters most is settled, if you have seen agreement where agreement must exist, if you have watched his life and his words and his spirit, and you are certain, oh good! 

 

Then and only then can you call your friends and say, “We have a wedding to plan!”

 

But before then, my sister, you are busy. You are in a test. You are handling your life. You are observing this man. You are knowing him. You are studying him.

 

You are watching his relationship with his parents, his relationship with his sister, his relationship with people who have helped him, his relationship with money, his relationship with you when giving is involved, his reactions when you are not feeling fine or when you make mention areas you aren’t pleased with in him, his behavior when he is inconvenienced, his tone when he is misunderstood, his spirit when things do not go his way.

 

You are watching all these things. You are assessing them. You are discussing. You are drawing things out of him. You are listening carefully. You do not assume. You do not excuse. You do not hide under, “Maybe that is just his personality.” No. You ask questions. You make him talk. You let him commit things with his own mouth so that you can hear what is in his heart.

 

And in this season, you must not be shy. Bind that shyness and send it away. This is not the time to be timid about your destiny. This is not the time to be quiet about matters that will shape your whole life. Speak. Ask. Listen. Observe. Pray. Judge righteously. Take your destiny seriously and go all the way with your eyes open. That is how life should be lived.

 

Sexual Purity Should Tighten in Courtship 

Many sisters who have tried to live right before God, tend to relax once they enter courtship. Guards that were once firm begin to drop.

 

Ah, my dear sister, this is not the time to lower your guard. This is the time to be even more careful.

 

You must always remember that courtship is still a place of testing. If, at the end of it, this is not God, you must be able to walk away. But if you have already become deeply entangled, sexually and emotionally, it will be very difficult to let go, even when the truth is clear.

 

Now, it is normal that as courtship progresses, there will be emotional connection. You should like the person. You should grow in affection toward the one you may marry. That is natural. But that affection must never overtake your obedience. It must never weaken your discipline.

 

Your purity must remain intact. In fact, this is the time to be even more guarded. You know that sexual immorality is not a light thing.

 

The Scriptures show that it is a sin against the body, a serious matter before God. It is not something to play with, not something to gradually fall into.

 

You must not allow sexual conversations, suggestive talk, indecent pictures, or anything that stirs impurity to enter your courtship. These things do not strengthen a relationship. They corrupt it. They damage the very foundation you are trying to build.

 

If you build on impurity, you are already weakening what should stand. Courtship must remain clean, honorable, and under God.

 

So guard yourself. Guard your body. Guard your mind. Guard your conversations. Do not allow what you once stood against to now become acceptable. Stay awake. Stay disciplined. This is too important to handle carelessly.

 

I prepared a Christian purity guide (Courtship Purity Agreement Form) for one of my ladies recently, and I believe it can be of help to you as well. If you are serious about walking in purity during courtship, you and your fiancé can use it as a practical tool to stay accountable and intentional.

 

It is designed to guide your conduct, your boundaries, and your decisions, so that your relationship remains clean and honoring to God. If this is a path you truly desire, then this will be a helpful companion for you.

 

You can get a copy here as well.

 

You print a copy for you and for him. Then, you both meet to discuss these sincerely, sign where necessary and put in your courtship files. 

 

In Conclusion

If you are already in courtship and you realize that things have gone wrong, that time has been wasted, or that you have fallen into sin, it is not too late. You can still return to God and make things right. Go back and settle it with Him. Ask honestly, “Lord, is this truly Your will for me?” Do not cover what has been done. Do not push it forward as though it does not matter.

 

If immorality has entered, if boundaries have been broken, stop and address it. A relationship where a man cannot stand for your purity, cannot lead in godliness, cannot take responsibility for righteousness, is already revealing the kind of marriage it will become. It does not matter how you came together. It does not which prophet prophesied your union, that is a very deadly slope. Get down on your knees and break every entanglements whose seeds you already can see are going to produce poisonous fruits in your marriage. 

 

If you are a single sister, you still have time to prepare rightly. Make up your mind now that your courtship will be godly. Train your ears to hear God now, in small, daily matters. Learn to respond to His leading. The Scriptures say that those who are mature have, by reason of use, trained their senses to discern between good and evil. That training does not begin in courtship. It begins now.

 

Also Read: God Still Leads in Marriage!

 

Be sensitive. Not every impression is from God. Not every peace is from God. Not every feeling is from God. There can be false impressions, false confirmations, even things that appear spiritual but are not. If you are not trained, you can be misled. So stay grounded in the Word. Stay prayerful. Stay watchful.

 

Do not rush into relationships. Wait on the Lord. And when courtship comes, be determined to use it well. This is not a time for idleness or distractions. This is a time to invest deeply.

 

Let Us Pray

Father, I come before You with a sincere heart. I ask for mercy in every area where I have been careless, where I have ignored Your voice, where I have allowed emotions, pressure, or ignorance to lead me instead of Your Spirit. Please forgive me, Lord, and cleanse me from every wrong step, every compromise, and every form of impurity in the Name of Jesus.

Lord, I yield my heart to You again. Train me to hear You clearly. Open my ears to discern truth from error, what is of You and what is not. Let me not be deceived by appearances, by words, or by feelings. Ground me deeply in Your Word and make me sensitive to Your Spirit.

Father, help me to walk in purity, in discipline, and in obedience. Strengthen me where I am weak. Restore every area that has been broken. If I am in anything that is not Your will, give me the courage to walk away. Let me not be bound by emotions, fear, or attachment, but by truth.

Lord, as I prepare for courtship and marriage, let my life be built on You. Guide me into Your perfect will. Let there be clarity, peace, and righteousness in every step I take. May I not miss You in something as important as this.

Father, I commit my future into Your hands. Lead me, guard me, and keep me. Let my life and my relationships bring honor to You.

In the name of Jesus, Amen.

 

Proposal, Objectives of Courtship by Bro Gbile Akanni