On Marriage, Singleness, and Cheating, we received this message:
Question: Good afternoon ma,
I have a question about marriage. Apostle Paul talked in 1 Corinthians 7 about marriage. He said something that he wished everyone could be like him in abstaining but each person has his own gifts from God. Nowadays, there are women who don’t intend to get married, the society sees them as proud and aloof women what if they are just women who can actually abstain from sex. Why is society attacking them but they don’t actually do the same to men. They tag such men as hardworking.
Also I saw a video clip of someone calling such women headless women. Why will they call them that when there is no part of the Bible making marriage compulsory?
Also why is cheating normal for men but abnormal for women. I am not saying cheating is right but we should be fair in judgement.
Our Response:
Thank you for asking this question. I am certain this ideology about voluntary singleness is growing at an alarming rate in the world and in the church. I am certain so many sisters are thinking about it, even if they are not saying it out loud. We will deal with this quickly as the Lord helps us.
Now, my sister, let us be honest with ourselves. Are we really sure that women who say they do not intend to marry are actually able to abstain from sex?
We know the answer. It is about reality. Human desire does not disappear because someone chooses singleness. Desire is part of how God created us. And when desire is not guided by God’s design, it looks for expression elsewhere.
When this movement began in the West, women were not just seeking independence. Many were seeking freedom from marriage itself. Freedom from house chores. Freedom from motherhood. Freedom from submission to a husband. Career, self-fulfilment, and personal ambition became the new goals. Marriage was presented as a burden instead of a calling.
But if we are honest enough to look at the fruit, we must admit that it did not make things better. It made things more confusing.
What happened instead? Sexual restraint did not increase. Purity did not increase. Rather, sexuality became separated from responsibility. Women started to commit immorality en masse! Even now in Nigeria and Africa at large, as women are fighting for the ‘liberty to cheat’ or ‘liberty to be free’ without accountability to anybody, we see a lot of DNA wars everywhere. Married women sleeping around, committing a lot of atrocities. And many women, even those not living with men or openly engaging in relationships, began to seek satisfaction in other ways.
The Bible already warned us about this. In Romans 1, Paul explains what happens when people reject God’s order. The desire does not disappear. It only becomes disordered.
Is marriage mainly about sex?
Now let us ask another important question. Is marriage mainly about sex?
If marriage was only about sex, then God would not have created it before the fall. In Genesis 2, before sin entered the world, God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone.” Not “it is not good that the man should lack sex,” but that he should be alone. Marriage was created for companionship, order, fruitfulness, responsibility, help, legacy, and godly structure. Sex is part of it, yes, but it is not the foundation.
When the purpose of marriage is not clearly understood, marriage will be abused. And when marriage is reduced to just desire or pleasure, people will feel they can replace it with anything else. That is one of the reasons we are seeing so much confusion today.
On Biblical Singleness
Let us talk about 1 Corinthians 7, because this is one of the most misquoted chapters in the Bible today. Yes, all Scripture is inspired by God (2 Timothy 3:16). But in that same chapter, Paul himself makes a distinction. In 1 Corinthians 7:6, he says, “I say this as a concession, not as a command.” Later again, he says, “I have no command from the Lord, but I give my judgment” (1 Corinthians 7:25). That is very clear. It means Paul was sharing his personal counsel, not laying down a law for all believers.
So when Paul says he wishes others could be like him (1 Corinthians 7:7), he is speaking from his own state and assignment. He was a single man deeply involved in the work of God. He was traveling constantly, preaching, being persecuted, imprisoned, beaten, and exposed to danger (2 Corinthians 11:23–27). Can you imagine going through all of these with a wife and some children? So, of course, he would wish others could serve God with that same freedom. That is normal. But that does not cancel God’s original design.
What is God’s original design? From the beginning, God created man and woman (Genesis 1:27). The Bible says the woman came out of the man (Genesis 2:21–23). And God Himself said, “It is not good that the man should be alone” (Genesis 2:18). Marriage was not created by culture. It was created by God, before sin entered the world. That makes marriage the rule, not the exception.
Yes, there are exceptions. Jesus Himself spoke about people who remain unmarried for the sake of the Kingdom of God (Matthew 19:12). But even there, Jesus said, “He who is able to receive it, let him receive it.” That tells us clearly that not everyone has that grace. Exceptions exist, but exceptions can never become the standard for everybody.
A rule is meant to remain a rule. An exception is meant to remain an exception. Once we begin to reverse that order, confusion is inevitable. What was designed to guide the many is slowly pushed aside, and what was meant for the few is lifted up and celebrated as the new standard. This shouldn’t be.
The problem in our generation is that many people do not want marriage, not because they have been called by God, but because they do not want responsibility. They do not want children. They do not want submission. They do not want sacrifice. The Bible already warned us about this. It says that in the last days, people will be lovers of themselves (2 Timothy 3:1–2). That is what we are seeing.
Paul’s singleness was not comfortable. It was not selfish. It was costly. He said he was “poured out as a drink offering” for the work of Christ (Philippians 2:17). He was not avoiding family life because it was hard. He was obeying God’s call. If someone says they want to remain single but is still ruled by sexual desire, pleasure, or selfish ambitions, that is not a calling. God does not call people into sin. Biblical singleness comes with extraordinary grace for self-control (1 Corinthians 7:9) and a life fully devoted to the Lord’s work. Where sexual appetite is active and unchecked, the claim of calling is false. God does not call people into contradiction with holiness.
Biblical singleness comes with grace for self-control and a life devoted to the Lord’s work.
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Throughout history, there have been women who remained unmarried, not because they rejected God’s design, but because God redirected their motherhood, nurture, and covering into spiritual assignment. Some desired marriage, but surrendered that desire at the altar of obedience. Their lives were not autonomous. They remained under authority, under discipline, and under God’s governance. A good example is Amy Carmichael. You can read about her below:
Amy Carmichael, God’s Missionary (Part 1)
Amy Carmichael, God’s Missionary (Part 2)
Now, about the ‘headless’ term the person used, you see, biblically, a woman was created to be under covering. As a daughter, she is under her father. As a wife, she is under her husband. This is divine order. A woman who rejects all covering and authority is not expressing freedom, but rebellion against structure. That is why language like “headless” emerges, not necessarily to insult, but to describe disorder. However, the correct biblical language is not “headless,” but “uncovered.”
A woman who remains unmarried while submitted to her father’s authority and fully to the Work of the Lord, being able to bring her sexuality under control, is not violating Scripture. But a woman who declares independence from marriage, authority, and responsibility without seeking God is not walking in obedience. Marriage is not something we dismiss casually. It is God’s design. If God redirects it, He must be the one who does so.
Characteristics of Biblical Singleness
Biblical singleness is marked by the following characteristics:
- It is received as a clear calling from God, not chosen out of convenience, fear, rebellion, or personal preference.
- It exists under authority and covering, especially under one’s father where possible, or under a godly spiritual authority submitted to Scripture.
- It is governed by obedience to God’s Word and a deep reverence for His order and design.
- It is accompanied by sexual self-control, either through low desire or through grace to govern desire without secret indulgence.
- It is not marked by persistent burning or unmanaged sexual struggle.
- It is devoted to the work of God, with time, energy, affection, and strength poured into kingdom service.
- It is not motivated by hatred for men, rejection of headship, resentment toward marriage, or disdain for children and motherhood.
- It is not a refuge for trauma, fear, or unresolved wounds around marriage.
- It is accountable, visible, and open to correction, not hidden or isolated.
- It is fruitful, producing spiritual, relational, and practical fruit in service to others.
- It is marked by discipline, sobriety, and self-denial.
- It honors marriage as God’s design for most, without competing with it or despising it.
- It is consistent over time and affirmed by peace, fruit, and godly confirmation.
Why Attack Unmarried Women Alone?
Now let us address the other part of your question. You said that society praises unmarried men and attacks unmarried women. That is not true. It is a wrong assumption. Many unmarried men are pressured, mocked, questioned, prayed for aggressively, and treated as problems in families and churches. I have a number of personal, firsthand experiences to this end. This is not a women-only issue. It is a human issue. Turning it into men versus women already shifts the conversation away from Scripture and into comparison. The Bible does not teach comparison, nor does it condone it. It warns seriously against it. 2 Corinthians 10:12. This shouldn’t be a gender issue. It is a human issue. Scripture does not teach us to compare men and women. It teaches us to obey God. “Each of us will give an account of himself to God” (Romans 14:12).
On Cheating and Sexual Immorality
So when you say cheating is normal for men and abnormal for women, are we speaking from a cultural point of view, or are we speaking from a biblical point of view? Because as children of God, as people of the Kingdom, we must learn to speak from a biblical point of view always. The Bible says we are not to be conformed to this world, but to be transformed by the renewal of our minds (Romans 12:2).
In the Kingdom of God, cheating should not even be a thought. Adultery, immorality, it should not even come close to our hearts. The Bible says that God’s will is our sanctification, that we should abstain from sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3). Yes, it is going on in the world, but that does not give it permission to enter us. Jesus Himself said that what defiles a person comes from the heart (Mark 7:20–23). And He warned that if the light within us is darkness, then how great is that darkness (Matthew 6:22–23). Let’s be careful what goes on in our hearts so we can see clearly with God’s light.
Cheating is not normal. It is not normal for men, and it is not normal for women. Jesus never cheated. The Bible says He was tempted in every way, yet without sin (Hebrews 4:15). Paul never cheated. Peter never cheated. We have men of God who have walked blamelessly. Scripture commands that every believer flee sexual immorality (1 Corinthians 6:18).
We have husbands who have never cheated. The Bible says marriage is honorable among all, and the marriage bed must be kept undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous (Hebrews 13:4). We have sons of God who have never cheated and who will never cheat until the day they die, because the grace of God trains us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions (Titus 2:11–12).
Just as we have godly women who are virgins, keeping themselves, we also have godly men who are virgins, keeping themselves. Scripture speaks of those who have kept themselves pure before God (1 Corinthians 7:7–9; 2 Timothy 2:22). So no, it is not normal. The Bible says that sexual immorality and all impurity should not even be mentioned among us, as is fitting for saints (Ephesians 5:3).
Yes, things are failing in many churches today, but let us be clear. Those are not churches of truth. The Bible says a little leaven leavens the whole lump (1 Corinthians 5:6). A church that cannot stand firm on discipline, on holiness, on protecting the name of the Lord from reproach, is not obeying Scripture. God commands the church to judge sin within the body (1 Corinthians 5:12–13).
A church that is not jealous for the name of the Lord Jesus is not walking in the fear of God. The Lord says He will not hold guiltless those who profane His name (Exodus 20:7). A church where pastors and ministers are sleeping together is not a church. Leaders must be above reproach and faithful in conduct (1 Timothy 3:2; Titus 1:6–7). Christ is not the head of such a place.
So let us get this very clear. Cheating is not normal. For any man. For any woman. It is sin. The Bible says the sexually immoral and adulterers will be judged by God (Hebrews 13:4). Proverbs says the one who commits adultery lacks understanding and brings destruction on himself (Proverbs 6:32–33).
So when you say we should be fair in judgment, what does that mean? We should also sanction that women can also start cheating for fairness? No, sis. Shall we continue in sin so that grace may abound? God forbid (Romans 6:1–2). The Bible warns against calling evil good and good evil (Isaiah 5:20). What is evil is evil and evil it shall be, whether for men or for women.
If you are in a church where these things are normal, if you are surrounded by Christians who live like this comfortably, you have not yet found community. You have not yet found brethren. The Bible says true fellowship walks in the light (1 John 1:7). I pray that the Lord will plant you among people who truly fear Him and who tremble at His Word (Isaiah 66:2).
Renew Your Heart
Lastly, I want to speak about the mind, because from your question, my sister, I can sense some traces of ideology, especially feminism. And I understand this. In our world today, feminism has gone very deep. It has entered the fabric of many hearts, sometimes without people even realizing it. It has affected even the best of us.
But we must be honest. There are parts of feminism whose main responsibility is to poison the hearts of women against men. It affects how you see. It affects how you judge. It trains you to compare, to be suspicious, to expect evil, and eventually to hate men. And when the heart is poisoned like that, vision becomes distorted.
One of the dangers of an unrenewed mind is that you stop seeing clearly. When all you see are bad men everywhere, you will eventually fall into the hands of one because the heart attracts what it is aligned with. Scripture says that the crooked deals with the crooked- 2 Samuel 22:27. If the heart is bitter, fearful, and hostile, discernment is weakened.
When a person is sincere with God, pure at heart, and yielded to Him, God reveals people of the same spirit. He brings likeness together. But when all your expectations are fear-based, suspicion-driven, and anger-filled, the very things you fear begin to manifest. Just like Job said, what he feared came upon him- Job 3:25.
So my sister, let your heart be transformed. Let your mind be renewed. Men are not evil. There are evil men, yes. But there are also good men. Just as there are evil women, and also good women. God is not against men. God is not against women. God is for righteousness.
God does not judge with bias. There is no sin that is acceptable for men and unacceptable for women, or the other way around. Sexual immorality has always been judged severely in Scripture. In the Old Testament, when adultery was discovered, it was not only the woman that was punished. Both the man and the woman were judged. That alone tells us how serious this sin is before God.
So this idea of fairness that excuses sin is not biblical. God is just. God is holy. And God calls both men and women to the same standard of purity.
Please, renew your mind with the Word of God. Pray often. Ask the Lord to heal your vision. Ask Him to remove bitterness, suspicion, and comparison. Begin to see the beauty of what God is doing in the lives of your brethren, both men and women.
Be Careful What You Consume
And be careful what you expose yourself to. Stop feeding on movies, messages, and teachings that constantly water down holiness, marriage, purity, mock obedience, and make perfection sound impossible. Stop listening to voices that lower God’s standard and make sin look normal. These things shape the heart more than we admit.
The movies we watch, the books we read, the messages we consume, they matter deeply. They are not neutral. They are institutions we swallow through the gates of our lives. Through our eyes. Through our ears. Through our hearts. And over time, they shape how we think, how we feel, and how we judge.
Let us be honest. Many of the actors, writers, and producers whose movies we enjoy, especially in Nollywood and even beyond, do not have godly homes. Some were cheated on. Some cheated. Some marriages are broken. Some homes are full of bitterness, rivalry, and pain. So we must ask ourselves a simple question. From what well are these stories coming? Under what spirit are these narratives formed?
You cannot expect someone whose own life is wounded, confused, or broken to consistently write stories that honor God’s design for marriage, manhood, or womanhood. What flows out is often pain, suspicion, revenge, domination, fear, and disorder. And then we sit down and feed on it daily, and we wonder why our hearts become hard, angry, fearful, or cynical.
Christians, wake up! Scripture already warned us. “Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly” Psalm 1 verse 1. The ungody shouldn’t be the ones to counsel us, ever! We are different. We represent a different Kingdom, sis.
Expose yourself to the Word of God. Sit with truth. Walk with people who fear God. Let your mind be washed daily.
If the heart is not transformed, mistakes will follow. Anger will grow. Comparisons will multiply. Offence will feel justified. And confusion will increase.
May the Lord help us. May He renew our minds. May He heal our hearts. May He restore clarity to our vision. And may we walk in truth, humility, and holiness, in Jesus’ name. Amen.
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