That day, I was weak. My body felt heavy, my lips were dry and cracked, and my eyes were swollen from many nights of restless pain. Loneliness pressed me harder than the sickness in my body.
My heart longed for just one thing: for someone to notice me, to care for me, to hold me.
When I heard that my last-born was coming home, something inside me lit up again. She was my baby, my darling child, the one closest to my heart.
I sat waiting, with expectation rising inside me. Maybe, just maybe, she would see me. Maybe she would hold me and ask how I was doing.
At last, she walked in. My heart leapt as she reached for me. For the first time in so many months, I felt the warmth of a hand holding mine. I breathed a little easier. Perhaps this was the moment I had been waiting for.
But then, gently, she pressed a folded paper into my palm.
A list.
Her list.
Names of things she wanted, demands she thought urgent, requests she had prepared. She never once looked into my eyes. She never noticed my weak smile or my cracked lips. She was too busy talking about what she needed.
And in that moment, something inside me broke. Tears rolled down uncontrollably. This wasn’t the first time. It had always been this way.
And I broke. Tears rolled down my face. She looked at me, startled, as if wondering what was wrong. For her, this was nothing unusual. This was the life she had always known of me: her provider. This was the pattern she had watched her older siblings live out. This was what neighbors, friends, even extended family had done all her life: come to me only for what I could give.
So when she saw my outburst, she was shocked. To her, this was normal. Mum always gives. But that day, something inside me snapped.
Through my tears I whispered, “I’m tired. I don’t have anything more to give. Please… just leave me alone.”
The words surprised even me. But they poured out from a deep well of pain I had carried silently for years. My heart was broken… no one ever just wanted me!
That night, I wept until I thought my body would break apart. I could barely breathe between sobs. I whispered into the silence, “What kind of life is this?” The pain was too much for my heart to carry.
I am a mother of fifteen children. God blessed me with abundance, and I made sure each of them was settled financially, so they would never lack. Yet, whenever they came home, it was always the same: “Mummy, I want this… Mummy, I need that… Mummy, can you give me?” Day after day, year after year, they all wanted something from mummy. Mummy to them meant ‘bank’.
The pain of that realization crushed me. My tears turned into heavy sobs as I thought, Is this what motherhood was meant to be? Is this what my love has produced? Children who only see me as a giver, never as a person?
As I wept, the room seemed to grow warmer. A Presence filled the air. For the first time in a long while, I felt the nearness of the Holy Spirit. He wrapped me in comfort, and then He whispered words that pierced deeper than the list my daughter had given me:
_“The way your children treat you is the same way you have been treating Me.”_
I froze. My sobs quieted. “Lord… me? No… I love You. I give to the church. I donate to the poor. I support ministries. How can You say that?”
But He spoke again, tender yet sharp.
_“Yes, you give. But you do not seek My face. You come to Me only for what I can do. You ask for your husband’s healing, your children’s success, your business’s growth, your safety and peace. You bring Me lists, but not love. You ask for My hand, but not My heart.”_
Suddenly, my life flashed before me. I had been living exactly like my children. Always asking. Always wanting. Never pausing to simply look into His eyes and ask, “Father, how are You? What’s on Your heart today?”
Then He said, _“The reason you feel so broken in the days of adversity is because you never built intimacy in the days of strength”_
That hit me hard. ‘Ahhhhhh!’
_“You sought My gifts, not Me. And now, when storms come, you have nothing to hold onto.”_
I wept again, but this time it was the weeping of repentance. My lips trembled as I cried for mercy.
.
.
.
Isn’t this how many of us treat the Lord?
We only turn to Him when life feels hard, when an exam is coming, when a relationship feels strained, when a child isn’t doing well, when money is short, when sickness arises.
Then, suddenly, we remember to pray. But sisters, this is not true fellowship.
God is not a vending machine. He is a Person. He longs for relationship. He has a heart that longs for your fellowship. He wants you to sit at His feet, to ask Him questions, to say, “Father, how are You today? I just came to love You. I just came to spend time with You.”
Have you tried this before?
Do you still do it?
Or has your Christianity become a list of needs, a cycle of taking, without truly knowing Him?
These are days of spiritual decline, days when people chase everything but God. Some chase religion without God. Some chase Bible knowledge without God. Some chase spiritual power without God. Others chase human honor, recognition, or acceptance, but not God.
The only ones who will truly find strength and rest in these days are those who spend time with Him.
Not a casual visit.
Not a rushed five minutes.
But people who linger with Him.
People who give Him their long nights and quiet mornings.
When others are sleeping, you rise to whisper His name. You pray in the Spirit to awaken your spirit’s ears to listen.
You set your requests aside and simply talk with Him.
You ask Him questions.
And then, He begins to open His heart to you. Sisters, He really does share His heart!!!! Ahhhhh, Baba mi!
He will show you the burdens He wants carried in prayer, the secrets that matter most to Him.
This is how He sucks you in actually.
He shares His burdens, and once He does, you cannot help but come back again and again because the weight will keep bringing you back!
And the truth, sis, is that without burdens, you cannot really pray!!! And without genuine fellowship, He cannot entrust you with His burdens! Can you see the interrelationship?
That’s why I say it over and over again that this is not really a prayer issue but a love issue. Love is the root of genuine prayer.
Yes, prayer is the fruit, but love is the root.
How can you claim to be in a relationship with someone, yet you don’t look into His eyes, you don’t reach for His hand, you don’t speak to Him daily?
My sisters, it is time to repent.
Repent for lack of love.
Repent for treating Him like a vending machine.
Repent for being lukewarm.
Repent for choosing comfort over communion.
Our Father longs for us, but He waits for those who love Him enough to draw near.
*Prayer*
Lord, forgive me for seeking only Your hand and not Your heart. Teach me to desire You above all else. Let my prayers not just be about what I need, but about knowing You. Draw me close until my joy is in Your presence, not in Your gifts. Make me a daughter who sits at Your feet, daily, joyfully, faithfully. In Jesus’ name, Amen.
_“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.”_ John 17:3
_“Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you.”_ James 4:8
_“And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom thou hast sent.”_ John 17:3
_“The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”_ Psalm 34:18
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